Chapter 1: Fireworks, Karate Supplies, Pepper Spray, Stun Guns
It’s been about two years since weak teeth has been outside of the Northeast so it seems only appropriate to document the misadventures of the most social inept people I’ve ever met. Our first show was in Providence in a tiny room above AS220. It was a Monday night so you know we had to appeal to the young professionals and kept it 3 bands, 1 hour of music. Of course it didn’t run like that but you can’t fault us for trying. Twin Foxes and Bloodpheasant both sounded the best I’ve heard them. Hearing a crowd of people sing Bloodpheasant lyrics is always really cool. Our hometown sets seem to feature feats of acrobatics from our members or members of the crowd. This evening was no different, though there was no revival of Mike’s now infamous slam dunk over our drum set. We couldn’t have asked for a better send off.
Wednesday, we get picked up by our mobile home for the next 10 days. The home will be an Elder Care transport van with “Hail Satin” sandwiched between two upside down crosses scrawled on the van’s hightop. We spend approximately an hour trying to correctly pack the gear. Once loaded we spent 1.5 hours on the road in what is proving to be the most benign drive of the entire tour. The venue we’re playing at is a bar called the Captain’s Lounge. It’s on a lake and the view is pretty nice until we’re told someone was recently murdered in the area…so the show is fun, the drinks were cheap and Chris and I eat a pizza. Each. Once the show is over, we say our goodbyes and hop into our elder care van for the 7 hour drive to Rochester, NY. Now, let me elaborate on the layout of this van because it isn’t anything I’ve ever seen before. The front has 2 captain’s chairs immediately behind that are three benches that sit two people and across from the back bench is a one-seater. All of these benches fold up so there’s nothing connecting them to the ground. So after a few hours into this drive, we all have our own benches to sleep on except Derrick and I. Long story short, Derrick ends up sleeping underneath the front two benches and Mike makes a bed out of our merch boxes. 7am arrival to Rochester, NY and there’s a quarter-keg of Yuengling waiting for us in the shower.
Since Neil and Chris drove through the night we part ways with them for some much needed rest and we made our way to so much needed food (that wasn’t pizza). While we’re eating we get a text from Chris saying he’s going to come pick up his amp to get it looked at. He picks it up and we part ways again. Until I get a text about a Music Man HD130 at the shop. I now own a Music Man HD130 (sorry mom). We start drinking far too early and I fall out of a wheelchair. In the throws of hysteria we almost miss our opportunity to buy ice cream from a truck. Almost. I spend a good 30 minutes telling a telemarketer that I can’t afford to donate to my college’s Alumni Fund. The show features our buddy Josh Mordecai whose song “Everything I learned about naming songs, I learned from Weak Teeth” reminds me that there are people who understand our collective sense of humor. Once the show is over, we order more pizza and watch Eve 6 music videos…a constant reminder that the late 90s were a dark time indeed. The drive to Columbus consisted of bagel sandwiches, the Niagara, NY rest stop, which is definitely a contender for hell on earth, Incubus and Mike & I attempting to beat Super Mario 3, unsuccessfully.
Traffic getting into Columbus around rush hour is horrifying, especially when they are doing construction. Racing the clock against my bladder, we pull up to the venue 4 hours before doors open and a gentleman on a bicycle serenades us with Rick Astley. With a full bladder, we seek the Sultry Girl Saloon. Both their food and their bathroom are fantastic. They feature a lot of lady brewed beer and wine, which was rad. After lunch, Chris and I continue our hunt for CD sleeves. Note: Family Dollar and CVS do not carry them. Without CD sleeves, we head back to the venue. When the Summit opens it’s doors they are blasting P-Funk and is by far the most punk place I’ve been to in years. It looks like an old VFW hall bar that shut down and turned into a restaurant that shut down and turned into a punk bar. Well drinks are $2.50 and cans of Black Label are free. During our set a monitor caught on fire. Next door was a lady punk festival. It seems like cool stuff is happening in Columbus. The next morning we make our way northward to the elusive Kalamazoo, MI to give praise at the altar of the Fat Guy. Last time weak teeth played Kzoo I blacked out and shotgunned beers with a Bowie knife and harassed a friend with a Yankees tattoo for having a Yankees tattoo. What I’m saying is, keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t have a repeat experience. Stay tuned!
Eternal thanks to Psychic Readings, Twin Foxes, Hellbent A/D, Raw Blow, The Shark Tank, Josh Mordecai, Sun Valley Presents and everyone we’ve met so far!